Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
