Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
