I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
