OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
