Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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