i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
