Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
