i just snorted my name. best moment ever
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So many bounce houses so little time
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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