Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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