She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize