Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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