This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
