so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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