We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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