I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
