wakey wakey hands off snakey
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
