I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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