If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
