ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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