I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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