It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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