Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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