so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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