Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
