oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
