I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
