She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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