it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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