WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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