He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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