booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
