What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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