U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
