Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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