i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
