I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
