I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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