How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
