I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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