saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
