Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
