perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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