my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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