she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
