I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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