I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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