In the future we'll all be gay
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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