I like my sex mixed with concussions.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
