Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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