I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
