??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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