Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
