I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
