They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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