was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
