Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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